002: Confronting success with Cristina Peerenboom

“For the first time in my life, I am letting myself say it: all I want to do is write.

I don't want to lead. I don't want to have any co-founders, employees, or LinkedIn posts.

I just want to feel fragments of joy bumping my head on my creative ceiling each day.”

Meet Cristina Peerenboom

Cristina Peerenboom is a three-time co-founder who’s been featured in Forbes, Vogue, The New York Times, and as part of Y Combinators W21 Batch.

She spends her days hunting irony and taking aim at confronting success, motivation, and hustle culture through poetry and long-form writing. She’s almost done with her first book, “The WTF ABC’s”, which is due out this year.

Can you describe the experience (wake-up call) that served as a catalyst for you to change the direction of your life?

Mine was more of a wake-up fall-on-my-ass. It was two-fold: a breakup with a company I co-founded and a breakup with a boyfriend. Both happened consecutively in 2016, and both went down because I just couldn't get out of my own way: I wanted to be the cool, successful girl no matter what, I would do anything, say anything, tolerate everything - to achieve that status.

Whatever helped me get and keep that pseudo-perception stayed in my life: bad relationships, bad behaviors (on my part!), and shoddy choices that didn't align with who I actually am. I am not engineered to be a cool girl. Well, cool in my own way, but not extroverted, not a natural business leader (and it's a position that feels forced to me, even though I can do it), and definitely not designed to have a ton of spot-lit pressure baking me 24/7.

During my wake-up fall, my status was yanked from me, and I was forced to publicly reckon with the fact that I was not a shining star in relationships, business, or managing my life. That dose of brutal humility kick-started a cascade of questions that led me to where I am today: on a quieter, more fulfilling, and more creative path.

What unknown territory or liminal space are you navigating right now?

For the first time in my life, I am letting myself say it: all I want to do is write. I don't want to lead. I don't want to have any co-founders, employees, or LinkedIn posts. I just want to feel fragments of joy bumping my head on my creative ceiling each day.

Writing has always been my thing, but I always used to disguise it inside of marketing, business plans, and sales, and that made it feel safe. Productive. Powerful. But, I am writing a book of poems right now. The unknown territory of doing - with gusto and vigor - something so feeling-centered is completely new.

There is a huge opportunity for failure. The market is saturated with poets with huge followings, who are younger, know how to hack the system, and aren't as calloused as I am. I am lost in a sea of publishing options; just beginning to organize what my options are, and if those options will even see me. The insecurity and doubt are always present. And I like that.

I wrote recently "Make love to your uncertainty." And, that's how I will approach this liminal space moving forward.

What’s a practice or activity you’re experimenting with right now to reconnect with yourself?

My other lifelong passion is music, and in the last year, I finally gave myself permission to get over the auto-judgement of being "just another wannabe musician," and decided to practice, with the enthusiasm of a giddy novice, with no goal or outcome in sight, DJing.

Searching for music, taking classes, researching techniques, and practicing practicing, practicing...this has been my most unexpected delight. I've begun booking professional gigs, which is a surprise, but I aim to maintain this side of music as something feather-light and pressure-free.

If you could give your wake-up call a voice, what would they say?

“It really looks like you're living the dream, doesn't it?
Dream boyfriend.
Dream career.
Dream life.
You're living the dream, but not your dream.
Nightmares are dreams too.
And that's what you're in the middle of, sister.
When are you going to stop seeking international recognition and just learn to recognize yourself in the mirror again - the quiet Cristina who is confident with or without a fancy title? The girl who likes to catch bugs and study the stars, tinker with music, and stay up late with hot chocolate and an empty notebook full of possibilities?
When will you realize you're not your output, you are your inward world; let's learn what makes that place feel like home.
How about that?”

Connect with Cristina on Instagram.